A confession

I need to be honest; I am cheating on you.

Their flexibility and open-ended ways led me to start using them and I still appreciate how I have no obligations to them. I was wondering if I could use you both for what I see fit. Although leaving you has been on my mind I cannot bring myself to do it. It sounds bad, I know but just know that I really do prefer you.

You're my precious little secret.
I only blog images on my tumblr, honestly. The moment that I feel that I want to leave something more than just superficial thoughts of  you come to mind. I don't like that some of my friends have my tumblr address and it's not even that I feel the need to conceal my feelings from them but I worry that I will take their opinion into account in the future. I don't want to have that barrier. 

Alzheimer's

I wanted to say that he just showed up the night before to cheer me up but he called first. In that soft, treading lightly tone which fears rejection he asked if he could drop by; I told him I had a lot of work to do.
He said he would let me do it. After all, he had to be at work at seven in the morning.
I knew it wouldn't end there but still, I told him it was okay.

It didn't end there. He wanted to remember what it felt like to kiss me.
He wanted to know if it would be different after he had kissed another boy.
(He blamed me for not telling him it would be)
How could he understand that  your loved one becomes a little less sacred,
more of just a body which you still love and cherish above all others,
if he was so hell-bent on doing things for himself.
Is this what it is like to have a child?
To watch them walking down your path,
knowing that no matter what you say,
it won't kill their desire
until they've done it. 

I could have sworn I warned him,
but that's the thing with dealing with someone who forgets.
Progress? Digression.

Not everything gets lost, you've only gotten off at a new platform.
Perhaps that is just as good.
 
After all, who knows where life will leave you in the end?

to remember

I was trying to masturbate to some kink
Instead, I ended with a burst of tears.
Screaming blasphemous anger
Whispering sweet goodbyes.

If I can quit smoking, I can quit love.

So I went back on keeping my facebook deactivated, like I do, and it was a mistake, like it would be.  He wanted to go to see Enter The Void and I thought I should do it for him but I wasn't really feeling  the atmosphere of a lot of people (I feel like this more nowadays). I don't remember how our conversation ended but he upset me and I signed off on him, as did he. I went on later and I was ridden with a guilt, thinking I had ruined his day so... I took the bus out to see him; I dropped by his house but he wasn't home; his mother thought he had gone out to meet with me.

I lied to her, telling her we had plans to meet at Dunkin' Donuts; instead, I finished my Greek/Latin homework while I hoped he would come home, hear I had dropped by and went to see if I were still there. That never happened. Or at least, it didn't happen when I was still there. I left around the time he had just gotten home. I walked home; this night was perhaps one of the coldest nights yet. I was still hoping he would care and come over my house but that never happened either.

So I go on facebook again and he left me a message, "I cancelled the event, I was out for  the evening, are you still in my neighborhood?" Is it wrong to feel that I deserved more than a, I was out? Well, he kept messaging me but I ignored him. After a couple of hours I felt that I was being childish, so I checked if he was on Skype and called him (this was a mistake). There was no ounce of sympathy, he only defended himself and tried to make me feel as if I was in the wrong for not caring about his night. The cherry on top was him saying  I am no longer his priority....I hung up on him, wrote that I was fucking done with this and he should just forget me...

I went back onto facebook later on and left him a goodbye letter saying that I may have come across a bit harsh and I shouldn't have tried to make him feel bad for him going out and enjoying himself because in all honesty, deep down I knew it was the wrong decision to go out there but I did it on the hope that he had been hurt and would just resort to playing WoW all night.  But he didn't and I am glad for that.  I told him he shouldn't be afraid to contact me but from here and on I will not reach out to him to  just be rejected and hurt because he neglects my feelings. I deactivated my facebook afterward.

I woke up crying and every now and again some tears swell in my eyes
but this is necessary; I cannot keep crawling to someone to save me from myself. 
I promise I will not go back on my word anymore.
It is over between us.

That doesn't mean I won't let him talk to me...
But I will do my best to keep my feelings to myself
And not allow him to affect my emotions.

"Say You Do" -TV on the Radio

the mystery shields are in place.

I deactivated my facebook for the last time (although, i have done so many times before); it must be done for a good long time while 

1. I need to finish this semester's workload.
2. I rely too much on my communication with friends to keep up the good mood.
3. I wait for him to sign on and speak to me.
4. I don't write enough. 
5. Where is my point of view?

So much of what I like is based on what my friends have liked, I just want to be able to make my own decisions. I don't want to wear my heart on my sleeves any longer.  When he and I broke this off, I remember writing I have had my fill of love...

I would rather be alone meandering through these thorny tangles of thought than cling to those beautiful meadows, which I have only seen glimpses of. I will no longer ask someone to walk these roads with me, or to plead with them to see as I do. Silly me.

I am antiquated and a square.  Cold and frigid, as he once teased.

That doesn't mean that I want to separate myself from people; I figure if anyone really wishes to get into contact with me they will find a way.  I would rather work toward finding a niche where I can be diligent and see the fruits of my labor.

I want to create myself, not be overwhelmed with all the choices.

Itinerary: record of a journey.

I have three essays to write, one of which is due this Wednesday. Two of the essays are interrelated; they both talk about Arthurian legend. The third can be tied into it as a sequel to my research.One is medieval while the other is modern. In between the two is a modern approach toward the olden ways. They all revolve around the concept of aristocratic ideals and the transgression of them.  They all dabble in  the Greek and/or Latin ideologies of antiquity.  But is it about the male/female dichotomy through the social stratum or is it a gender discourse?


My dilemma
I never really tried to absorb what I have studied and use it in commonspeak. Then, let's say I do.
It has the taste of recitation without the flavor of putting the knowledge into good use. For these papers I want to inject myself into the work; I don't want it to be a conversation of what is going on in the text without real application of the concepts. For example, courtly love and its faults feels too basic; this is not what I want to say. Or the words 'Lancelot has queer tendencies' is not my idea; it is Karma Lochrie's "Mystical Acts, Queer Tendencies" in  Constructing Medieval Sexuality. What I really want to talk about is the overbearing presence of the Knightly Order in my own life and how I want to transgress this idea for myself through writing about Lancelot and Guinevere.

The obstacle
I have always looked for others to express my thoughts better than I could or I would ask friends to reassure me that I indeed 'got this'. What I am really saying is I  look for an outlet to avoid expressing my thoughts how I want to. My outlet is woeful toward my own condition. I always cop out of having anything to say with extracting pity out of others to make myself feel better. I found myself scrambling to talk to someone to complain to them about "my problems", when those problems are really not the issue at all. With my friends I am very stubborn to hold my fort, thinking that what I stand for is valuable. That is true BUT when I have no one to validate it, my walls crumble and I am worthless. I know this is not true though. I simply forget (I want to find a lapis lazuli necklace as a reminder)  Life is all addition;  you may need to subtract the things that do you no good any longer, but  you do so to put something else in its place. That thing is not good or bad but it is valuable because it poses a question of meaning and what you give value to.

Hmm, on that note, I am off to go flesh out of my theses on my handy dandy Thinking Seat.

hold me until it stops, vent until it doesn't hurt...

The truth is that my brain is wired differently. I can feel it in a way. Sometimes things are at a stasis and something triggers me and my mind begins to somersault into frenzy of lip locks or leg locks with anyone who will have me. All it really wants is for it to be okay that it happened and its gone.