Itinerary: record of a journey.

I have three essays to write, one of which is due this Wednesday. Two of the essays are interrelated; they both talk about Arthurian legend. The third can be tied into it as a sequel to my research.One is medieval while the other is modern. In between the two is a modern approach toward the olden ways. They all revolve around the concept of aristocratic ideals and the transgression of them.  They all dabble in  the Greek and/or Latin ideologies of antiquity.  But is it about the male/female dichotomy through the social stratum or is it a gender discourse?


My dilemma
I never really tried to absorb what I have studied and use it in commonspeak. Then, let's say I do.
It has the taste of recitation without the flavor of putting the knowledge into good use. For these papers I want to inject myself into the work; I don't want it to be a conversation of what is going on in the text without real application of the concepts. For example, courtly love and its faults feels too basic; this is not what I want to say. Or the words 'Lancelot has queer tendencies' is not my idea; it is Karma Lochrie's "Mystical Acts, Queer Tendencies" in  Constructing Medieval Sexuality. What I really want to talk about is the overbearing presence of the Knightly Order in my own life and how I want to transgress this idea for myself through writing about Lancelot and Guinevere.

The obstacle
I have always looked for others to express my thoughts better than I could or I would ask friends to reassure me that I indeed 'got this'. What I am really saying is I  look for an outlet to avoid expressing my thoughts how I want to. My outlet is woeful toward my own condition. I always cop out of having anything to say with extracting pity out of others to make myself feel better. I found myself scrambling to talk to someone to complain to them about "my problems", when those problems are really not the issue at all. With my friends I am very stubborn to hold my fort, thinking that what I stand for is valuable. That is true BUT when I have no one to validate it, my walls crumble and I am worthless. I know this is not true though. I simply forget (I want to find a lapis lazuli necklace as a reminder)  Life is all addition;  you may need to subtract the things that do you no good any longer, but  you do so to put something else in its place. That thing is not good or bad but it is valuable because it poses a question of meaning and what you give value to.

Hmm, on that note, I am off to go flesh out of my theses on my handy dandy Thinking Seat.