So I went back on keeping my facebook deactivated, like I do, and it was a mistake, like it would be. He wanted to go to see Enter The Void and I thought I should do it for him but I wasn't really feeling the atmosphere of a lot of people (I feel like this more nowadays). I don't remember how our conversation ended but he upset me and I signed off on him, as did he. I went on later and I was ridden with a guilt, thinking I had ruined his day so... I took the bus out to see him; I dropped by his house but he wasn't home; his mother thought he had gone out to meet with me.
I lied to her, telling her we had plans to meet at Dunkin' Donuts; instead, I finished my Greek/Latin homework while I hoped he would come home, hear I had dropped by and went to see if I were still there. That never happened. Or at least, it didn't happen when I was still there. I left around the time he had just gotten home. I walked home; this night was perhaps one of the coldest nights yet. I was still hoping he would care and come over my house but that never happened either.
So I go on facebook again and he left me a message, "I cancelled the event, I was out for the evening, are you still in my neighborhood?" Is it wrong to feel that I deserved more than a, I was out? Well, he kept messaging me but I ignored him. After a couple of hours I felt that I was being childish, so I checked if he was on Skype and called him (this was a mistake). There was no ounce of sympathy, he only defended himself and tried to make me feel as if I was in the wrong for not caring about his night. The cherry on top was him saying I am no longer his priority....I hung up on him, wrote that I was fucking done with this and he should just forget me...
I went back onto facebook later on and left him a goodbye letter saying that I may have come across a bit harsh and I shouldn't have tried to make him feel bad for him going out and enjoying himself because in all honesty, deep down I knew it was the wrong decision to go out there but I did it on the hope that he had been hurt and would just resort to playing WoW all night. But he didn't and I am glad for that. I told him he shouldn't be afraid to contact me but from here and on I will not reach out to him to just be rejected and hurt because he neglects my feelings. I deactivated my facebook afterward.
I woke up crying and every now and again some tears swell in my eyes
but this is necessary; I cannot keep crawling to someone to save me from myself.
I promise I will not go back on my word anymore.
It is over between us.
That doesn't mean I won't let him talk to me...
But I will do my best to keep my feelings to myself
And not allow him to affect my emotions.
"Say You Do" -TV on the Radio
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